The Emperor Calls For Aid
I didn’t run far.
In fact, I barely made it fifty feet into the treeline before I stopped, crouched behind a massive Douglas fir, and activated the gun unit headband’s enhanced auditory sensors.
Suddenly, I could hear everything around me from the rustling of pine needles to the distant cry of a hawk. Most importantly, I could focus the magitek device specifically to pick up Sage and Galateya’s conversation from the distant parking lot.
“The key to good marksmanship,” Sage’s voice came through, “is to not think about it too hard…”
I pulled out my tablet from a belt pouch and opened CrawdGPT, typing quickly:
[What are the hunting weaknesses of foxes? How can prey evade a fox?]
While the AI processed, I started moving. I didn’t head away from the parking lot, instead moving around it in a wide circle that would hopefully confuse Sage’s tracking. The gun unit exoskeleton didn’t tire me out as I traversed over uneven terrain. There was no lactic acid buildup, no burning lungs, no cramping muscles. Just smooth, mechanical gait.
The chatbot’s response popped up:
[Foxes rely heavily on their hearing and sense of smell for hunting. Their weaknesses include: Circular movement confusion: Foxes hunt in relatively straight lines. Prey that doubles back or moves in circles can confuse their tracking. Water crossings: Water disrupts scent trails significantly. Height advantage: Foxes are terrestrial hunters. Climbing trees or elevated positions puts you outside their natural pursuit pattern. Distraction through multiple trails: Foxes focus on one scent path. Creating multiple diverging trails can overwhelm their tracking. Noise masking: Foxes use sound to locate prey. Environmental noise (running water, wind through trees) can mask movement sounds.]
I smiled. Continue to circle the parking lot it was, then. Create a confusing spiral of scent trails while I gathered intelligence about my hunters’ plans.
“I’ve never hunted anything,” Galateya voiced.
I opened telegram and texted Dax:
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: Being hunted by Galateya and Skinwalker fox with paintball guns. Need evasion tips. CrawdGPT suggests circles and water crossings. Thoughts?
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: bro wtf. Why are you being hunted by your own consort and a Skinwalker??? Where did you even find a Skinwalker?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: long story. Sage is one of the local Skinwalkers…
I quickly explained to Dax the events of this morning, starting with the flop of Count Chocula plan and ending with me agreeing to be hunted down for sport.
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: that’s all sorts of whack 😂
Dax replied after I was done ranting about my morning.
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: so you volunteered as tribute? very noble.
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: sacrifices had to be made. Teya froze the hell outta the entire Books and Nooks cafe and made Keiy into a gunsicle
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: Keiy didn’t think it was funny
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: poor gun bae. anyway, ur dealing with a magical dragon and fox yes?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: Skinwalker who ate over 9000 fox souls.
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: you are SO FUCKED
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: thanks for the vote of confidence
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: 9000 fox souls prolly means 9000 fox worth of hunting instincts. she probably smells you from orbit. why are all your girlfriends walking WMDs?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: Sage is not my girlfriend
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: YET. give it 5 hours max. you’re gonna wife that fox aren’t you
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: CALLED IT! 😂 anyway. what are the rules of this hunt?
I paused behind a thick cedar.
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: no vehicles, stay in forest, I have 22 min head start, six hours duration, if they catch me, teya and sage get to ask one completely honest question each
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: and if you WIN?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: I get to ask each of them one completely honest question
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: I see. what would you even ask?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: haven’t thought that far ahead
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: liar. you’re ALWAYS thinking 10 steps ahead. you probably have 3 contingency plans already
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: the planning is happening right now
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: aight. ok so. rules say no vehicles FOR YOU, right? doesn’t say anything about ME bringing you supplies
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: go on
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: they will track u by smell, yeah?
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: so we OVERWHELM their nose. I can hit up the prank shop downtown, grab every stink bomb, fart spray, and nasty smell thing they got. crack them all open along your escape trail, create a CLOUD of olfactory war crimes
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: i like the way you think
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: gotta show the aliens who’s the real predator round these parts. I can also grab ropes, climbing gear, maybe some of those party poppers that make loud noises
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: bring some food too, I’ll probably get hungry. Hmm. Bring food for girls in a takeout container. write “to Sage and Teya, thought you could use a snack”. Sabotage it with pepper or something. no… glitter! Be creative.
Sage yelled excitedly: “YESSS! First shot! Perfect hit! Steve’s gonna think twice before stealing sandwiches now!”
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: they’re shooting seagulls
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: target practice
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: on SEAGULLS?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: Sage says they’re all guilty of being smug bastards
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: I love her already. gimme me your location
I shared the link to my phone’s GPS tracker
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: you’re in my house still?
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: where else would I be?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: go to the laundry room in the basement. Put on my most smelly shirts and shove rest into a backpack. tell Piotr and Linari to do the same. Drive them both here and ask them to run around the park. Multiple me scents!
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: oh that’s fucking devious
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: also, stop at the Pier Shark shop n rent me a diving mask n oxygen tank.
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: A DIVING MASK? IN A FOREST HUNT? 😂
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: Lake Crescent is right there. Can’t smell or hear me underwater
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: ok Sun Tzu calm down. isnt Teya a taniwha?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: yes, Teya is a water dragon, but I doubt that she has enough experience to chase me underwater.
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: lotta wat-ifs
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: I’ll need more distractions and ways to misdirect them. What’s the most annoying sound on earth?
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: your mom’s voice asking when you’re getting married?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: besides that
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: vuvuzelas? those annoying plastic horns from soccer games?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: those aren’t remote operated. 🤔 Oh! Voicecast rings can broadcast my voice to places where I am not. Ask Linari to make you a voicecast ring. No, several rings!
Sage voiced in the background : “Real talk, T. Even if you don’t want a relationship with me… I’ll take your friendship.”
Oh wow, feeling revelations. A curious depth to the Skinwalker fox.
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: asked Linari for the rings. Etty is breaking a wall to make em. You really this dedicated to kicking their ass, eh? What is your goal here? Why not just get caught and answer two questions?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: ill get caught if and when I feel like it
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: you already have THREE girlfriends. T H R E E. that’s already 2 more than most guys get in a LIFETIME
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: teya isn’t my girlfriend she’s my political consort.
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: and Sage sounds like she’s a lot into teya. I think that sage would be good for teya. She needs friends who aren’t trapped in the Frontenachii hierarchy. Sage is completely outside that system
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: and how does that benefit YOU specifically?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: it doesn’t? I’m trying to help teya be less isolated and depressed.
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: ash. bro. homie. you told me you about to be BLOOD BOUND to this fox girl through teya. you realize that right? she’s gonna be her knight. that puts her in YOUR circle by extension
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: and your domestic situation is evolving into a sitcom. “My Cryptid Girlfriends Can’t Possibly Be This Cute”
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: you watch too much anime
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: YOU LIVE TOO MUCH ANIME
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: U jelly?
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: maybe. Can I have the fox if ur not into her?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: how would u even handle a Skinwalker who melts your brain constantly by looking too hot?
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: I’d wear a bucket on my head. problem solved
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: lol you know, that sorta thing did work 😂 when I met her last year, she was in a full body cosplay. We chatted for like twenty minutes
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: you MET Sage BEFORE???
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: yeah at ECCC last year. she had a booth selling cosplay prints of herself
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: and you DIDN’T TELL ME THIS???
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: it didn’t seem relevant? I talked to a lot of vendors that day
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: more deets plz
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: She gave me a print of herself as that thief girl from that pirate anime in a tiniest bikini possible. She wrote her gram number on the back
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: AND YOU DIDN’T PM HER?????
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: I thought she was bamboozling me into buying lewds. She gave her gram number and free pics to a bunch of fat nerds too
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: ash. ASH. my guy. my DUDE. you are literally the densest motherfucker alive
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: shush u. I scoped her Instagram from the URL on the photo. She had like 150k followers and posted endless thirst traps. nothing but ass pics w links to her gonelyfans. I honestly thought that they were all AI generated or shopped. Gave me this… uncanny perfect ass vibe. Asses don’t look that good in reality.
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: so what you’re telling me is that the universe has been trying to hook you up with this foxgirl for OVER A YEAR and you were too dense to notice. Is her ass actually that good IRL?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: yes. Yes it is. It’s incredibly distracting
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: you know what? I’m charging you for this hunt ass-istance operation
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: charging me what?
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: cryptid waifus. future tense. you clearly have a talent for collecting them. I expect to be paid in referrals
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: you want me to… wingman you with cryptids?
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: EXACTLY. I want IN on this economy. You got fox, dragon, wendigo and cat. Piotr has magpie and wolf. I am technically his superior and I get NOTHING? That’s not a fair distribution of supernatural pussy
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: that’s the worst sentence you’ve ever typed
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: worst sentence YET. I have many more in the chamber. anyway I got all your stank shirts.
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: holy fuck dude when was the last time you did laundry?
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: I haven’t had time for such trivialities dis week. or week before that. moving is time consuming, don’t judge me
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: right.😂 ok. I got a v-ring. Also, slight problem
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: what kind of problem?
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: Linari refuses to help. says and I quote “what’s in it for me? I should be pretending to look for vamps anyway today”
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: tell her she can pretend to look for vamps in the forest and if she still not down, call kawathra in front of her on the v-ring. Just say ‘voicecast Datamancer Kawathra’
I continued my circle around the parking lot, placing my feet deliberately on rocks and harder ground where possible. The gun unit made it easy, no stumbling, no accidental branch snapping, only smooth, easy movement.
Through the magitek mic, I caught Sage’s timer beeping.
“Ah! It is time! Shall we?”
Shit. Twenty-two minutes up already.
My phone vibrated.
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: THAT WORKED
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: wolf went from “absolutely not” lazy face to “I will absolutely outperform bird” in 0.5 seconds when kawthy showed up on the v-ring hologram and agreed to help
Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ: told you
Zorro(╯°Z°）╯: Kawthy is going to pick us up in corpse seeker. says “it’s way faster than inferior human cars”. Aight see u in a bit, hang tight, gonna stop at the shops for diving gear and prank stuff 😆